kiss the rain!

…and after a long patient wait…its raining in dubai…dubai usually gets to see rain only during winters…i.e. december and january….but to my disappointment, there were no signs of rain or even dark clouds during december…just when i was consoling myself and cursing the usual cliched culprit..’global warming’….things turned….some for the good and some for the bad…

the bad….i had had enough of sleeping thru weekends…and leading this loserly life…so one fine day…i enrolled for an astronomy group in dubai…(DAG) …which included one of my passions….star gazing…so just when i had collected all the courage to overcome my reclusive tendencies and step out for an observation (obviously constellations, etc) with the group….the dark clouds gathered over the skies….without saying the observation was cancelled till further notice…sigh..

the good part..the RAIN!!!!…how much ever people complain about the traffic jams and dirty puddles and mucky roads….the rain is one of nature’s best creation…something that still manages to bring a smile to my face….and bring to life that stupid kid in me…who wants to run out and dance in the rain…jump into every dirty puddle…look up at the sky and let the rain drops touch my face…

(ya ya….the usual shit u get to see in the movies..where a girl is trying to act all girly …u know…dancing in the rain…and eating pani puris…which is ’supposed’ to make the guy like the girl…i never understood though..why do they show eating pani puri like its a turn on for a guy…hmmmmm…:P…)…

…well the weather forecast says that its gonna last for a week or so…these clouds and rain…and im praying that it lasts longer…though i dont get to smell wet green earth..the smell of wet cement roads still are better off than dry weather…the sad part about all this….the fact that i dont get to see much of the outside during office hours..and the fact that our cubicle is nowhere connected to the outer world…sigh…

funny thing is…dubai is so not used to rains…that u see people actually run for their lives when it drizzles…:P…a little bit of water really wont harm anybody…or oh ya..maybe its all that gel and hairspray…they’re worried that it will washed away and reveal their ‘real’ beauty…now thats a sight we all really arent ready for..

its really sad u know…people travel so much and visit places…rome..paris…switzerland..maldives…blah blah blah…just to see those hyped places and their beauty..that they sometimes dont notice the small things that make their home city beautiful…how every place has a distinct smell…distinct feel…the music in the air..the sky and stars..the weather…the rains…….every weather has its own special ‘feel’ in different places..

..when people shift cities, or even countries…they might miss people and their home or office etc….but what comes to me everytime i think abt the different cities ive lived in…its this special feel, smell, music that i miss the most..

it probably might sound corny…all this stuff..yes..its the same sky we all look at…but its how u look at it…wether u use ur eyes or heart..u use ur reasoning or fantasy….something like how all of us perceive love in various ways…how people think so different about the same thing…

‘vacation’ time….

i always thought that were holidays is a time when u unwind….have fun…relax…catch up with friends….it is true….i am unwinding….crying out all that pain i couldnt do back in dubai… at work…coz i was too busy…..or let me put it this way….i kept myself so busy….especially at times when i felt the slightest trace of any kind of emotional/tiring thoughts cropping up…i dont know if it worked…but i did manage to keep those thoughts incomplete….always thinking ill get back to them later….and now is that ‘later’……and im not able to handle this rush of sooo many varied emotions….i think ill just collapse before i can digest anyone of these thoughts anymore…..nights are the best times…dark…silent…beautiful…there is something that darkness….maybe it gives me this shelter…where i can hide myself from everyone….not that anyone is dying to get a glimpse of me or a feel of my emotions…..but its more of this shelter…where u feel safe….sealed…..alone….

fun….ya i would be lying if i said i didn’t have fun in these few days…..but all the credit goes to charu…..if left to me alone…i wld be sitting at home in one corner all day…haha….

as for catching up with friends….oh my lord….i believe this was/is/and going to be the worst part ….thats coz everyone…has moved on….A-Z everyone!!!….and im still living a stale life that expired 2 yrs back….with the same stupid outdated memories….and one question i could slap everyone for….’so tell me man…its been so long…wats happening?’…..so wats if its been long…it doesnt mean something HAS to happen…nothing has happened..and nothing is happening…i think ive just got more boring…over these 2 yrs…ya thats wat has happened….but right now i know im not alone…..its only at such times that ur blood comes to ur rescue….to give u company….in ur loser life….i bet the person who i am referring to has understood that its her… …..

…days comes days go….people come people go….but i still feel my life has come to a standstill…. and come to think about it…im happy in own delusional  world….so as long as that lasts….im fine…after that…i dont know….really…..

…

ive come to a stage where i feel comfortably numb…and dumb….and i quite enjoy it too….the indifference…really helps…dont expect anything and dont get anything…happy ending….

 getting into all this thinking – why didnt they call me…why didnt they listen to me…why do people talk to the same people they used to bitch abt….why dont they talk to me….dont they miss me….are people blind and cant see whats happening around them…..- is nothing but a waste of time…..

 and today ive realised…..the best thing is…..be a loner….noone expects anything from u…noone makes u feel guilty…and u dont have to get disappointed after expecting…

 sometimes i wish i was invisible….then people dont see u…and when they dont…they forget u….i act like that though….i convince myself…that im invisible…noone can see me…im free to do what i want…and think what i want….without feeling bad or guilty about it….and its working quite well…people have forgotten about me…i somehow dont exist to them anymore….it used to upset me earlier…now it makes no difference…sometimes i do come back…become visible…and when i see them….they all are in the same world they used to be…..nothing has changed…..

 but then again u can only forget those people who u remember…..right?…..so what do u call forgetting people u have already forgotten?

????

..Lately I have been going around accusing people of being two faced…and maintaining double standards etc….

 

but then…I realized…all this complaining I do…is more about me than anyone else….I guess people said it right…when we like a person….we like them for the qualities that are missing in us….maybe the same works when u crib about someone’s behavior….u see them do the same shit like u…and vent it out by pointing fingers at them…..humans are born hypocrites…..there’s no doubt about that….

 

..but maybe this is just a technique……to hide the real we…..like someone recently stated….”it’s not the way it looks…”…then why do we people put in all that effort to portray such a distorted version of our true self….???….are we scared that people will find the real us …weird….corny…mushy…or plain dumb?

or is it that we don’t feel comfortable being ourselves, with everyone…and keep it for only the special people in our lives?…no seriously…I don’t get it….its so much easier being our self….then why not do that?….why go around being someone or something we hate…or maybe its some kind of punishment….punishing our self for something we’ve done earlier…and lost that precious thing in our life…or maybe punishing our self for circumstances that weren’t even within our control……..

teri deewani…………

its been soo long since ive updated my blog…so thot ill put in some shit….(not that ppl are dying to read my dumb blog)….
anyways…life is sooo ‘exciting’ these days….and theres sooooo much to look forward to….the list goes like this…..

1….nothing

2…nothing..

3….ok wait..there is something….Spiderman-3 ….but thats realeasing only in may 2007….waaaaaaah!…:(…why cant it come out sooner…i doubt ill survive till then…..and this time the movie has one of the toughest enemy spiderman had to ever fight…VENOM!….yiiiipeee!!…..so hoping its gonna be damn goood…

4…hmmmm…wat else….the list just goes on with more nothings…so dont wanna bore u anymore..

ok ok…ill drop the sarcasm…..

oh ya…there has been another thing…my lateshhtt song obsession….khailash kher’s song…teri deewani…oh damn!…ive been humming that song for 2 days now…not to forget playing it on repeat mode.. on musicindiaonline.. all day…but seriously…the lyrics…i have no words to praise them….they actually brought tears to my eyes…..the way they describe the love u can have for someone….hopelessly in love…where do u see that these days man???….such shallow crap everywhere……..ok..wont get into that topic again…..

so…im back to that stage where im thinking of joining some class….to keep myself busy…..but too lazy to get my ass off the chair….i just think im getting old…in my head atleast…i just dont feel like going out…..dont feel like meetin anyone…its the same thing…go for a movie..or go and hog..or gossip abt someone…or chat abt some crap that doesnt make shit difference in ur life…not to forget complain abt everything under the sun…

ok…but seriously its real tough to make gud frnds after a particular age man…atleast i feel so…if i think abt myself…i mean….i have this constant wall arnd me…..and i dont let anyone in anymore…i mean its not abt keeping secrets abt ur past or anything….my life is an open book…..u ask me stuff abt my past or anythng…ill answer…but then theres a lot of difference between knowing wat has happened…and knowing the emotions attached with that event…

its like this….u think u know a person when u share jokes and all…and laugh a lot with them…but u REALLY know a person..only if ure able to cry infront of them….and they are able to cry infront of u…

ok what the f*** am i crapping…watever…chal..enuff for now….

is it worth all this???

ok…since i spend 3/4th of my day at work these days….i just cant help but write abt office…:P……so..heres one for my second home…….im sure loads of ppl will be able to relate to this topic…..types of people at ur work place…(or even could be ur class….if uve gone for higher studies…yes…this for u tooo )…..

so coming back to our  topic…there are basically three main categories, ignoring all the small trivial ones…

the first includes all those people who u interact with every minute of the day…even if u dont like it…yes…ur immediate bosses…or ur immediate co workers….

starting with bosses…ok…u want the mullah…u just gotta kiss ass…the golden rule is NODDING….nod ur head even if u dont understand shit…u can always come back and try figuring it out urself…or ask someone…….they just go on and on…and all that u can understand are words like…”and….or….yes…no….dont u think so…”…etc…and ure soo ecstatic to realise that they after all arent speaking greek or latin..that ur head automatically starts shaking vigorously in assent….

then come the immediate co workers……these are the ppl….who ure soo used to talking everyday….that one day their missing..u feel weird..no no..not that u have an attachment with them…its just that…they are the ones who can relate to ur work pressures and concerns the most….trust me….if u ever meet these people beyond office premises…ull still talk abt work!…any other topic will just seem too obscene…hehe

the second group..and the majority too..are the pests….people who u find out right irritating…and squirm at the very sight of them…but all this is hidden behind plastic smiles and the false giggles….if ever given a chance…u would probably spray an entire can of baygon on them…shove it down their throats…and flush them down…..phew!….there…i guess u get the picture..haha…

and the third and the last category….NSP!…nayan sukh praapti gang…sources of pleasure to ur eyes…and someone to take into ur dreamworld for a while when ure dead bored…but beware…never ever get close to them and try making a decent conversation….ull just realise that beneath all that beauty is a shallow good for nothing asshole…who would erase ur last few hopes on humanity and basic decency… ….
there…thats about it…ofcourse there are loads of other people that come in between all these categories…and are shades and variations of the same…but at the end of the day…u just realise…that none of them are worth sharing a good thought with….or a good laugh too….

but one thing’s common among alll of them….that everyone is so lost in the rat race….and so busy trying to prove themselves..that they dont even stop to notice the people they meet everyday..seriously…after coming here…ive got such shallow vibes from everyone….its like…theres no value left for human emotions…everything is so artificial….it hurts…it actually does!….i mean…u just wonder if this is wat life is all about….superficial beauty…back stabbing…money….desperate attempts to make a place for urself ..we would get much more ‘healthy human’ vibes from probably a graveyard…..

’say if its worth savin me……’

..thats it….i just gotta let out my latest obssession…!…its this new song by nickelback….’SAVIN ME’…….i literally eat sleep work that song…it keeps playing in my head all day….even when i get up in the morning….im humming the song…and now thanx to a guy in my office…ive got the video and song on my comp….so….now u know wat will be playing for the next few days…:D…the video is awesome!….

its this guy who is saved from an accident….and from that second onwards…he can see numbers over ppls’ heads….hes all confused…till he realises that the nos denote the seconds left in a person’s life…and atlast he sees this girl getting into her car…and the nos above her head decreasing..and pulls her back…and just then a huge thing falls on her car..shes saved!….now she can see the nos….how cool is that?!?!??!!?
ahem…as u can see, ive almost done a thesis on this song..hehe..but the lyrics are out right awesome tooo!!..and as usual chad kroeger puts in all the emotions required to make the song touch ur heart…i mean each word coming outta his mouth..actually has that depth….its like hes actually screaming out for help…and u just wanna run to his rescue..hehe…maybe im getting carried away….anyways back to the point….all you ppl..who havent heard this song as yet…WAKE UP!!!….im sure u will fall in love with it in the first hearing itself…and then u can question…….”say if its worth saving me??”……..

TAKE ME OUT!!!!!

…its been so long since i actually hung out with my friends…and ive reached a stage where i can acutally call myself ‘desperate’…..i mean…how long can one go on without a social life man…work home work home…..just gets too much…and im sure one of my closest friends totally agrees with me on this….all we do is sit and compare whos life is more ‘loserish’ than the others…haha….and just end up all depressed at the end…well..getting back to my desperate tendencies…im presently at a level..where i totally jump at any possible offer any asshole makes….yes…and i mean even assholes…..people who i wldnt even give a second thought to otherwise….sigh!….

and even worse…the lucky day i manage to find someone to hang out with….im soo excited that im not able to sleep….(now thats wat i seriously call DEPRIVED!)….to add to the misery my desperation is shown out….its like this locked up bitch has suddenly got all the freedom she cld dream of….but thats the sad part…i have all the freedom i want…..its just noone to share it with….now…thats a scary thing..does it really mean that im that bad to hang out with????? i might be difficult..but certainly not annoying…..(i hope not!)….

and it so freaking makes me jealous…when weekend arrives… mobiles start ringing..and they’re all busy making plans abt where to hang out and all…infact some of them have sooo many ppl to hang out with…that it gets too tough to manage them over the weekend…and here…im like hoping..praying…wishing…for some decent company….I ALSO WANT MY COOL GROUP OF FRIENDS!!!!!!…waaaaaaaah….lifes so unfair……but trust me…i have a track record of losing all the poeple i love…so with such a sexy record…i cant wish for much..can i??….

and now..its weekend…and ive just witnessed one of those mobile calls…(obviously not mine…someone who just dropped me off from work)…and there i sat….imagining how cool it wld have been if i also had ppl calling me up…for weekend plans and movies and bowling….sigh…swear man…at such times…i miss only one person the MOST…CHARU!…….i swear charu…if u come here…i wldnt ever feel so lonely like i do now…..

…work does keep me busy man…but at the end of the day…..deep down…u just feel so empty..so lonely…i do live with folks…but thats so different……at such times..i just go to the pantry…ans stare out from the window……watch the cars…and people all in a hurry….while i just stand there at the top alone………………….

when was………?

when was the last time u wanted to slap ur boss straight on his face…but held it back for obvious reasons…..when was the last time u felt like singing ur heart out….but didnt coz u were concious….when was the last time uve actually danced in the rain without bothering abt others around….when was the last time uve wanted to smooch the daylites outta ur crush…but held urself back on grounds of decency …..when was the last time u almost dialed someone’s no…..but cancelled it controlling ur emotions…when was the last time u just sat back..put all worries behind u..and enjoyed a moment for its beauty…when was the last time u gave a flower to someone u really care about….when was the last time u tried knowing someone..and i mean really tried understanding the person…when was the last time u didnt judge a person..and just accepted him/her for wat he/she is….when was the last time uve felt waves touch ur feet…when was the last time u creid outta sheer happiness……when was the last time uve played with ur friends like u did when u were kids…..when was the last time u stopped…just to thank god for alll that u have now……………………………….

just so many incomplete things in life……………..

the divorce….

SHATTERED….. 

..she took the cab back home…she didnt know wat to feel…or wat to think…”why dont u come and stay with us for a while….u shldnt be alone…”…..her parents requested….so did her friends…but then she felt that noone could really understand  or relate to her situation right now……she just refused…and called for a cab…she felt light headed….numb….street lights reflected by the glass….and she was blinded momemtarily by the head lights of an arriving car from the opposite lane…….

…her thoughts went back to the first time they met……

it was her first day at the job….it was a start up company…and recruited many freshers like her….days went by…and she made a few friends here and there….the first month was just induction….so nothing much really was happening….she felt real lonely inside….she was far awya from home and her friends…and ppl arnd were just good for a small chit chat…but apart from that…she cldnt really connect to anyone…until she met him…….when she first saw him in the crowd…nohting really rang in her head or heart..or wherever its supposed to ring….everyone was divided into groups..for the purpose of induction…they were in the same group…….thats how they started talking..he seemed more sensible compared to the other artifical bugs arnd….at times she just thot he was being nice like everyone does at the start…..but as she spent more time with him….she noticed her increased liking for him….the day he wldnt call her for lunch….or wldnt offer to drop her off home…she wld wonder the entire night as to wat went wrong……thats when she realised her feelings for him….”ure just being immature….uve hardly known him for a week..” she would tell herself…..”and anyway…he luks toooo good for u..wake up girl!!”…

the brakes of the cab shook her back to the present…..she luked arnd lost…she recognized her building…she was back to reality….her heart just sunk….she managed to be strong all this time..she made it a point to not cry infront of anyone…especially him……she just paid the cab guy…got off….even before she unlocked the door…tears started rolling down…she managed to get into her apartment….fell to the floor….and wept uncontrollably….she cldnt believe it…she wld have the divorced tag all her life now…………………..

…THE ORION ALWAYS WORKS…..

..”and there…u see..theres the orion…”….she pointed into the starlit winter sky….they were on the terrace just unwinding after a tiring day at induction….it was her idea to watch the stars….actually all she wanted was some quiet private time with him…and he didnt mind it a bit….

hours passed by….they talked abt their pasts…abt their families…abt everything they could think of….all coz they didnt wanna end it there and head back to their rooms…after running outta topics…they sat quiet…beside each other…it was nearing midnight…and all the streets and houses were sleeping…except them..she shivered in the cold….he put his hand arnd her..and she cuddled into him…to feel warm….she could almost hear violins play…and wanted to run arnd like a small little girl who got her much awaited gift…”i think…”…..he stopped midway…..she looked at him…”wat?”….they were whispering now….maybe out of fear…the cold…or just the moment….they looked at each other…she went all numb….all she cld see were his eyes….so honest….so innocent….”you have beautiful eyes…” he said…..a sudden smile popped onto her face….and her eyes twinkled….and the next thing she knew…they were kissing….it wasnt her first kiss or anything….but then never did she feel so protected….so cared for………………

but this was all long ago….she just put back his photo into the album…and stacked all their pics and albums….to throw away….she didnt want anything arnd to mock her ….or remind her of him….them…….

….the phone rang…..she so hoped against all hopes….that it wld be him….maybe like those bollywood movies…where the hero comes back for his herione after all…..it was her dad…”hey kid…u doing ok?…”…..she made the conversation as short as possible….and hung up…she switched off the lights…settled down in her bed…and closed her eyes……”…love u too my king…”……………..

 DEAD END?……….

 …”NO!….i dont understand!”…she screamed in frustration….they were quiet …..he cldnt find anymore words to justify himself….she never could really understand why was he soo hesitant to say the words….”…u agree that u cant live without me……u say uve never been so close to anyone else….u say u want to be with my all the time….then why the fuck do u find it so tough to say ‘i love u’…”……he just luked down…….he felt rotten abt this..but then he was really confused….he wasnt faking it….she cld sense that….and thats wat hurt more…..she realised she was just acting stupid…noone can force someone to love them…..”….im sorry ….but i just want to be sure when i say them….and,….”….he was interrupted….”….hey…i shld be sorry…ure right…its just tat….i wish u wld feel the same as i do…”…..”…ok..fuck all this….wat abt that movie we were supposed to catch..??”….he smiled…she had the nack for totally jumping topics whnever things got too uncomfortable..and right now….he welcomed this jump….but they both knew that it wasnt really over..this conversation wld pop up sometime again….and it wld end up at the same dead end………..

thats wat she felt now…that her life has reached a dead end….its not that they were living together the last 5 months or so…her daily routine really didnt demand his presence…but then..today…from the time she woke up..she felt that something was missing….she didnt get his daily call….the calls did decrease drastically in the last one month…but she didnt take it seriously…”maybe thats where i went wrong..” she thought…..she shifted her thoughts from blaming herself…she had been doing a lot of blaming for the past few weeks..and she was tired now…she dressed up for work….
..she stepped into her work place….after that round of fake “good mornings” and fake smiles…she settled down at her computer….her mind was totally blank….and her fingers just rested at her keyboard…it was like she was spaced in from a totally different dimension to the seat…she took a while to digest things going on around her….”hey!”….prakash screamed from across her cabin….”wheres that file u were supposed to send me??”…..she fumed…now she knew where she was…she was in this place filled with heartless robots yelling for files and no.s which dont make any sense!….”ok…no blaming…no blaming..”….she repeated….another fake smile crossed her face…”ill be sending it now…”….and then the day just passed by typing…answering calls….tallying nos….she did manage to tally the nos….but something didnt tally in her life…….infact nothing did…she opened her inbox…..and saw his old mails……she had kept all of them…..she highlited all of them..and in go…..SHIFT+DELETE!